Do This; Don’t Do This, Part 1

DO: Start a text thread with “Ciao ciao,” tell me about the time you studied in Italy, offer to bring over a nice bottle of wine.

DON’T: Arrive, stare creepily at my tattoo for an awkward 5 seconds, then say: “Wow, you really do look like your pictures online.” OMG WHY ARE THOSE WORDS COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH JUST STAAAAAAP TALKING. Like, ever again in all the history of Time.

[‘scuse me a sec, I just have to step inside & let me dog out so she can quack menacingly at you from just behind this door that is with arms reach of my porch chair.]